Childfree women outnumber childless

According to a new study in the Journal of Marriage and Family women between the ages of 35 and 44 who are voluntarily without kids (or childfree) outnumber those who are involuntarily so (childless). That represents a major shift--and it's not the only thing this study reveals.

Contrary to the public perception that all childless women are generally unhappy with their condition, the study shows that assumptions of older, childless women being dissatisfied with their status do not apply to the largest group of childless older women.

"Our research leads to the notion that for some women, childbearing might not have even been part of an equation," says Joyce Abma, Ph.D., lead author of the study. "Public impressions that all older childless women are eager to start a family and 'beat the odds' of increasing infertility stand to be refined." Public health campaigns to encourage women to begin childbearing before age-related issues begin are, perhaps, not relevant for a larger subgroup of women than previously realized.

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"The Wisdom of the Drunk Aunt"

My mom friend pointed me to this hilarious essay by Lisa Gabriele about being the one friend who hasn't gone down the parenting path. Here's a snip:

Now way back, my friends and I all vowed that we weren't going to allow being parents to change us, to turn us into conservative, frazzled neurotics. I hope it doesn't sound smug to say that I seem to be the only one who took those vows seriously. You may think it's inappropriate to speak to children the way I do, but I've always been of the firm belief that we talk down to them way too much. Also, I like to remain unalloyed in their presence because children have the best bullshit detectors around.

For instance, when my six-year-old nephew once asked me why I never got mad at him for making messes when I baby-sit, I didn't candy-coat it.

"It's because I'm thinner than your mother," I said. "Thin people tend to be more relaxed when they're wallowing in filth. In anything, actually. Even dress pants from H&M."

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Great doubt-buster

Many people who've chosen not to have kids have moments where they doubt their choice. In "Baby Not on Board" I include a list of doubt-busters to help navigate those moments. Well add "The Shape of a Mother" blog to that list.

Women post photographs of their bodies to the site during and after their pregnancy. It's intended to be a celebration of motherhood and women's bodies--and I certainly don't mean to disparage it. In fact, I admire the courage of the women who share these images of themselves with each other and the world. I think showing the world what real women look like is an important and noble thing to do. I'm glad this blog exists.

But people who don't want children need validation, too. And I gotta say looking at these photos made me love my childfree body even more.

Warning: NUDITY. STRETCH MARKS. NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

Holidays and social status

Just ran across this excellent essay on PhillyBurbs.com by Kristen Coppock about how the holidays can really shine a spotlight on your social status -- whether you're single, childfree, divorcing, etc.

She writes:

We've all had encounters with annoying relatives who want to know why you're still single, haven't gotten engaged yet or aren't planning for children, as if there were something wrong with your lifestyle. But there are plenty of less obvious issues going on.

I've heard from a few single people who complained about having to buy gifts for couples who don't reciprocate equally. These individuals said they are forced to pay for two gifts or one big “couples gift,” but typically only get one in return that's worth about half of what the single person spent.

The same could be said for childless couples, who exchange gifts with family members or friends with kids in tow. It's about buying gifts for two people versus three, four or more. My list even includes a family of seven. It's a good thing I adore them and enjoy shopping.

With seven nephews and nieces to buy gifts for, I can totally relate. My solution has been to buy just one big gift that remains at their grandparents' house. (Fortunately they all live nearby.) It's alot cheaper than buying individual gifts and allows me to make a "cool aunt" splash. This year I got them carnival mirrors.

Do you feel it's unfair to have to buy gifts for other people's kids? How do you deflect the usual "when are you having kids" questions that arise over the holidays?
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Gain a child. Lose your mind.

Reuters reports that first-time mothers are at risk for mental illness.

In a 32-year study that included more than 2.3 million Danes, roughly one out of 1,000 first-time mothers were admitted to a psychiatric hospital with a mental illness such as depression, schizophrenia or bipolar disorder within the following year -- most within the first three months.

Mothers were four times more likely than women without children to be hospitalized with a mental illness. During the first 10 to 19 days, the risk was seven times higher compared to women with children who had reached 1 year of age.

Among the suspected culprits: hormones, sleep-deprivation, and "the demands of breast-feeding." Indeed.

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Essay by filmmaker on being childfree

After giving birth to a stillborn child and a few years later going through a divorce, Baltimore documentary filmmaker Nancy Rome decided not to try again. She writes about her experience of accepting her childfree status and about filming other women who've made the choice not to become parents in an essay titled "Childless: Some by Chance, Some by Choice" for the Washington Post. Her opening lines demonstrate perfectly why the question of whether you have children can be so intrusive:

"No, no, sorry. I don't have any . . ."

Why does this always seem to be the first thing I'm asked? It takes my breath away, yet why do I feel the need to apologize for my reply? Looking vague and embarrassed, my questioner glances over my shoulder for someone else to talk to: someone with whom he or she has more in common, someone with children.

Later she writes:

Those of us who are not mothers do not fit into any of society's convenient boxes: We're not slaves to carpools or homework. At the same time, we are not necessarily obsessed about our careers or even ourselves; nor are we anti-family. Our days are simply lived according to a different rhythm: Children don't tug at my clothes and beg for attention; I don't leave my cellphone on during films or dinner parties in case the babysitter needs me; I travel; I read books -- lots of them -- as well as the newspaper.

It's worth reading the whole piece!
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